Sunday, 11 August 2013

Yet another portrait of you!


It's such a difficult living in a villa with it's own pool, jacuzzi and private beach for three months, but, fuck it.

I find myself stirred in the last couple of days teaching my poor, weepy friend, Kelly Brook, what assholes rugby players actually are. It's like politicians, it takes a special type of shit to devote themselves so entirely to a profession. Actually all hunks are shits, Kelly my dear, avoid them like the plague as you will never be happy with them. Why not try a half-mad poet instead? I know a bloke who is right up your street. No looker but the guy has some talent.

You see wisdom is something that I impart but may not practice, but impartiality is a good thing.

I am fed up to read in 'El Fartknocker', the discerning periodical, that protests are back in Norn Iron. Wha?! Come on guys, you've been down this boring road a thousand times. I told you, Northern Ireland is not Hawaii! There is no sun, beautiful seas or lovely people. Stop wasting your fucking lives over somewhere that exists just to stop the cowpats from getting wet. Ninety miles of dry cowpats is a good thing but not something to waste your life protesting over. I know tons of better things to do.

What is it this time anyway. So a band can walk back up a road eh? Sheeit whatever helps you sleep at night. A lack of enthusiasm for muff-diving is more upsetting, for example. Having said that loyalist protests are probably not a great place to pick up girls. Trying to get the conversation to change from 'No surrender' to 'you wanna come back to mine?' sounds a challenge in itself.

I think I saw the fleg once and did not get what the fuss was about. I thought that looks like a bit of cloth on a pole, will that create jobs and reignite the economy? No...yet to hear of bits of cloth that bring jobs back to the country. Investors tend to be into something else, like maybe a place where the people aren't violent nutcases is where they dig putting their money. Cos non-violent nutcases are very good at making more money plus the original investment. So it doesn't make money this fleg, you can't eat it and it looks rubbish at keeping you warm so what's all the fucking shitstorm about?!

Get annoyed about something that matters like you can only get blowjobs on designated days of the year. That would REALLY fuck me off, never mind all this fleg shit. Your right to suck the nipples of a large pair of tits has been re-routed to someone else...FUCK YOU!! I'm gonna get violent over that. Y'know perspective folks remember that? Can't march back the way you came on a lovely summers day? Shit wan. I am bereft...have to do all the ten million things I wanted to do instead like bring sexual pleasure to women and such.

Fuck it, you've been at it 300 years. Whatever floats your boat and helps you sleep at night, go for it. Just don't interrupt my liberties doing it. Of course, NOT being in Northern Ireland helps a great deal in doing that!

Now Kelly, poets, I tell you, you'll never look back. Hunks will be yesterdays chip papers and at last you will know satisfaction...


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