Monday, 11 February 2013

What? Banana?

Banana? Glad you asked because you didn't and you never will. The Long, Slow Fallout of the Banana is and was and could be the notion that all energy could be compressed into one banana skin.Then the humans set it off...

I had an idea for a sketch show which was up its own arse but I dug it. A sketch show that had suffered damaged from the Norman Invasion of 1066 and subsequent harrying by the Norms, to the point that portions of the sketch show could only be recorded as vasta or wasteland in the Domesday Book. These portions would be filmed as such. Up its own arse as I say but there's a challenge in realising that, turning it into physical reality. Plus getting around the pain of it being funny all the time, it was gonna be just silly and nonsense. If it was funny that was a nice accident but nothing else. So now you know you know.

 We're feared it's going to be 1776 again. How? That means we gotta wait for the universe to stop expanding, collapse and reduce itself to all energy compacted, big bang, expand and then wait until the humans decide its 1776 AD again. I'm fucking quaking already.
But Alex Jones, the outspoken radio host in the US, not the Welsh hot stuff on the BBC, says that its gonna be 1776 again if they take our guns. Take the guns, that's some temporal shit I'd like to see.
 Like the guys in Derry* who protest the fleg going part time in Belfast. They can see the fleg-pole from there? I would have said the incredible eyesight of these is a way bigger story than fleg taking.

But they wrote down the right to bear arms in the US constitution. Now at this time most people were running around with muskets and flintlock pistols. Your average US citizen of the time could hope for a pitchfork as his arm bearing right. And if you got pissed off at someone and decided to shoot them as is the US wont, if you miss the first shot, then it's load muzzle, open pan, shorten scouring stick, 'stop running away varlet, I'm near loaded', clear pan of excess powder, return scouring stick, add ball to muzzle...the fucker is halfway into the next county by the time you're ready to shoot him. Oh yeah, he was just going to stand there for five minutes while you went through all this shit, when you were clearly already trying to kill him. Yeah that was going to happen.

Of course when they amended the constitution a second time they clearly had in mind how guns were going to develop. All citizens and non-citizens having access to high velocity rifles with 25 full metal jackets in one clip, telescopic sights, night vision, bullets that explode into shrapnel in the human body, the truism of the Hickster of John Lennon  being shot and Justin Beiber...hit by a plastic bottle. Yeah they could see all that coming;
'Amendment 2; the right to bear arms. Well brethren I can totally see rifled barrels, magnum handguns and laser sights that any fucker can get their hands on. Mine eyesight is better than those twats in Derry*, we shall device this amendment with alacrity.'

Less guns, no guns. Well, you'd think a lot harder about your homicide. With guns you can be a lazy fucker and kill from your porch. With anything else you gotta plan it, leave the house and it might be raining and you gotta get close to the target. You'd then think about it and decide not to do it. Guns are loved because you can murder with ease; they take all that horrible physical exertion and forward planning out of the situation. Physical activity sucks. You're out on the prairie, how do you take down a hombre without a gun? Oh, bow and arrow. They fall off their horse and die of gangrene four days later. Again though your forcing people to leave the house to kill rather than do it from their Laz-e-boy. America says nein to that, boi!

Ah shit it's 1776 again while I was writing. All we're armed with is muskets and pitchforks again. Where's our telescopic sights?! They took our guns that can kill you just by thinking about them and our fleg. Keep me updated if they take owt else. Like bapples, we need 'em!


* Let's say you're a lazy fucker; 'Derry' is quicker and easier to write/spell. You do the maths when you can be bothered and then you see? Piece of piss to write!

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