Sunday, 10 February 2013

You don't want to play beer-pong...?

Ah at such a time of year, a young man's thoughts turn to expense. Diamonds are forever...well, until the end of the world at least. Don't get the fascination. You get the millions and sit on your gold-plated gazebo and you don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. Riches lead to boredom. Boredom leads to invading other countries with your diamond-funded militia. That takes planning which takes time to think about it and at the end of the day you have a sore head, less money and several cases of genocide on your international record. Terrible LP, sounds of screams and machetes like a Justin Beiber album, which is just another form of genocide. It ain't worth the biscuit.

I dunt know why Ant and Dec would go off to the country with the guy working on the meat counter at Morrisons but they did and they got money for it. Another moment where you don't want intelligent life making first contact when things like this happen. It's like they turn up now, and all we've got to show for ourselves is One Direction. It's never when Beethoven was still alive. In that case you're practically dragging them off the craft to show them the shit we are capable of. Can't we just put a big curtain around the Earth like when One Direction tour? Or break Justin Beibers fingers to stop him doing anything with music. Then again we could nuke One Direction. Break Justin Beiber's neck...There might be hope for humanity yet, those are steps on a good path.

One thing for ol' Bisson to always come back to is the sex thing. Well having a dick causes sexual thought as the Hickster proved so brilliantly. Trying to get laid in this country ain't happening if you over-think it, but that's all there is to do here. Have you been to Lisburn? Portadown? Man save your life and think about sex instead. Back in my youth I had stamina for tantric fucking and still have talent for tickling the old infinite pleasure nub. Women, the owners of the infinite orgasam are totally fucking unreliable in this. You spend ages getting them to the right place and then they meet some beige berk and fuck off with him to have a relationship. I have spoken about this at length already but it's a waste of my time and effort and what do you need a relationship for?! All you do is go to MFI on a saturday and look at pine furnishings. I can do that anytime and I don't because, are you paying attention ladies, because IT IS ALSO A WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. Okay has that finally lodged in your feminine shell-like? I doubt it.
Just stay in bed and have sex. Honestly I ask you!

A facet of the diet of Pre-Columbian Aztec people was insects. Any fucker can go 'eurgh', but think on it. Equatorial countries tend to have large insect species which have a bit of meat on them and fucking cows were too bone idle to make it over the Bering land bridge. So what you going to do then. Knowing you, just stand there, go 'eurgh' and starve to death.

 It is an equal truism that unless you are of North-Western European descent, you will encounter racism at some point in your life. That was an unbending stain of life until the wonder that was Richard Pryor. Clapping on the off-beat it's good yeah? No actually it's fucking lame. Very few white supremacists have blonde hair, blue eyes and stand six foot tall. So why is that so important if none of you look like it. Hitler was five foot something with black hair. None of the Nazis looked even remotely like this physical specimen, Heydrich at a pinch and even then he needed Kenneth Branagh to play him. I mean it's bad enough believing utter bollocks but to not even look like the utter bollocks you're talking about. Hours spent looking at pictures of naked men with blonde hair and they call it Nazism. Actually that's something else and you got sent to concentration camps for that. Your life ruined by five-foot four retards with brown hair who spout utter bollocks about naked men with blonde hair and then go off to build a motorway somewhere. It would be nice to say we don't let these types of stupid cunt anywhere near responsibility anymore but that ain't true.

Still if American History X is anything to go by, you express the remotest notion of wavering in your rabid racism and Fairuza Balk goes apeshit and pulls a gun on you. Fuck that, nobody's going to join that sort of group. Be like living under permanent PMS and you still got to go around spouting complete and utter bollocks. Say one thing for the human race we do find prime utter crap to waste our time on Earth with. 

If I spent my time thinking about pussy I've put in a more worthwhile and positive use of time than the many, many forms of fucktard there have been. Ya know?



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