Thursday, 14 March 2013


Who loves the sun? Well I don't see it out today, motherfucker.

Belfast has become the bide-a-wee refuge for waifs of a disagreeable manner according to a last Banana of mine. I'll admit I threw my toys out of the pram something proper and howled more like a nappy wearing wee shit when there was no-one there to pick them up. The cure for all hurt and sobbing feelings is to wind your neck in, here in Belfast. Fuck if only Freud had lived here. He could have just told all the emotionally hurt and mentally disturbed persons he tried to heal, to 'wind their necks in' and saved himself hours of work. The last word in caring and compassion. Actually that's only the second last. The real last word here is to 'go fuck yourself.' We care, we really do.

In fact after my howl, one pal who had sought greener fields outside of the city got in touch. Why have we left Bisson he said. Have you checked your deodorant recently? Ah, no I haven't and when I did...oh, fuck me!
That said unpleasant smells have much use in the political and financial sector. With my stench there could be a revolution coming on. Not now though, I wanna shower.

But this ain't why I called you here today, my dear, devoted fuckwits. I'm here to name and shame a vile seam in our pretty Abounding amongst those who live in Ballfast or applied for cityside admission many moons back when is the human form known as the 'Trendy'.

We've covered this before or mentioned it, but I figgered a bit of clarification was needed to properly understand this creature.

What is a trendy?! Well a trendy can be, as said a town or country person. Bah...Who also fancies themselves as a poet, artist, musician, liberal ecologist...Aw fuck! Eurgh, I'd rather have gonorrhea!

Now just the job description is bad enough, but there's more. The trendy finds themselves a stance and poses in a very cool, yet very caring way as they do in all aspects of their life. They bring you love. Except when you don't quite match their standards and then they cold shoulder you and would leave you to die in the outer darkness, if you were dying and they had some outer darkness.

Is this a crime? No it is a way of life for many, many, many people in this six county dump masquerading as a political enigma. Those you will meet are but a few of thousands of trendbots, ready to envelop all existence as we know it, like a new spring range at GAP.

Here's another example of the trendy nature. Firefly...or Serenity...or Serene Firefly or whatever the fuck you call it. Well it was a sci-fi show by Joss Whedon (oh help!) who had done the 'with-it'* and unfunny 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and was now doing the with-it but unfunny and rather quite incomprehensible bollocks show set on the good ship 'Firefly'...or 'Serenity'...or Whateverthefuck...and the people on it were the last hope of something which was hopeless but now had hope in the face of something which didn't exist which is hopeful in itself but really quite hopeless. Anyway the show was cancelled and the lead guy went on to a better pay check in a show that wouldn't get cancelled for being a load of wank.

Ah so fucking wot you say and you're right. But the trendies found this show on whatever late night channel was pimping it out to a late night hospital audience or whatever. They found it and instantly saw the brilliance in it that had escaped everyone else. It became their cult show, the obscure thing that they were clever enough to find. Except that all the trendies had to know about it so it wasn't that obscure anymore. And when it got axed they had something to bemoan the loss of, show how much better their judgement was compared to the TV people and ring their hands in memory of what could have been. A bunch of pretentious fucks flying around space in a load of pretentious gobbledegook? Ohh the possibilities! Maybe the big appeal was they did a lot of recycling onboard and exciting missions where they cancelled Third World Debt on Neptune.

What could be worse? Thanks to trendies, Kings of Leon have an audience and their horrible, shitty music is piped around the place to torment the rest of us. Without trendies there would be no Starbucks. Apple Mac would be an obscure company that operated way back in the 80s. Ashton Kutcher would have no career. Trendies have given so much to make the world a gloomier place and therefore we have much to despise the fucking assholes for. And yet they are the majority, the ones we seek vindication from. When really we shouldn't.

The trendies and all their associated sychophants will no doubt turn their backs to all you who disagree and seek to puncture their egos. But then think about it. Not really that bad a thing...World still turning? Check. Loads of cool wonderful things in life to charm the senses. Check. Yep, sorry trendies, you and your moronic opinions, it turns out, aren't actually needed here. We manage just fine without you. Fuck off then.


* 'With-it'. Def: Attempt to be cool and completely knowing in what your doing, when in fact all you are producing is a load of cunt.

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