Saturday, 2 March 2013

Dreaming high and wild...

I remember passing a guy outside a pub called 'Cuckoo' and him saying how 'Californication' starring David Duchovny was not a very good show. Now hang on I hear, it's a prime time drama, a gritty representation of a talented writer struggling with personal problems and the creatively empty horizons of Hollywood. Natascha McElhone is in it! Yum, I say yum. And then there's the exposure of titty every fucking episode!

But thinking about it as I did, then again I say, we must take all likelihoods into consideration and the fact of the matter is likelihood did not fit 'Californication' that well. The main character is a writer played by David Duchovny. This writer, once a man of principle on the east coast is now fallen to the vice of pussy and dissipation in Hollywood. That isn't unlikely, however, I mean fuck it if I could get away with writing great and then getting my end away in Los Angeles then I would! What fucker wouldn't?

No, what it is are, if you're a writer and you look like David wouldn't be a fucking writer in the first place!! Writing is the elephant man of the arts world. If you look like your average looking fat bastard, then you do lock yourself away in a room and write where no-one has to look at you. You're doing the entire world a favour. If you look like David Duchovny then you get off your arse, male model your way to Los Angeles right off the bat and say "Ladies, I look like David Duchovny please form your hot, weeping lady gardens into an orderly queue. That is why it is unrealistic, false and therefore sucks. No writer on the fucking planet gets even a molecule of that amount of sex, if any, that is why they are writers.

I'll tell you something about writing though. Writing, just like many forms of art including acting, painting, stand-up, on and so on, produce a certain amount of fear each time you set down to do it. Fear that you'll be  able to do it each time, fear that it won't be as good as before. This can in many cases stop the writing in the first place.

You read that and say, aw Bish, you should get scared more. Witty? Perhaps more natty but shitty and incorrect as I don't write. I think and then it gets recorded. I am not a writer and that's how I'm able to do it.

Exsssssssssssample: Adele. Very beautiful woman, wonderful singer and a talented lyricist with an ear for a sharp, interesting phrase and good solo songwriter when the inspiration strikes. Now as with all shimmering promise, you come close and you find you just see the mirage and you have been hallucinating. She has got herself, a much as you have expected bloke. Reliable, stodgy stuff, the type they all go for now. He's a bit shop-soiled but guaranteed you can leave him in one corner of the room and 25 years later he will still be there. Sigh, very disappointing. But then, by him, she has had a son called 'Angelo'. A disaster on all counts as the kid WILL be bullied for having a rich mum and in her new sumptuous lifestyle he will acquire none of the street smarts that his mum got from living a real life. He will further have the crap kicked out of him because, simply, his name is Angelo, which means everything to mum as she picked it, he's her little angel, but in the real world will be singled out for sounding weird, lame and quite gay. This is how school works. Plus there will be the inevitable row by teenage years along the lines of:
"Mum! Why the fuck did you name me Angelo? They jumped me again coming home from school! Give me more money. I hate you...!" And so on, and so on, and so on...
Finally 'Angelo' is not a name that lends itself at all well to the cockney dialect which Adele is in possession of. Her surname 'Adkins' already had it's trip up points but 'Angelo' is in another league. It is pronounced by the East London speech pattern as 'An-geel-lahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'. This name will take time and clearly lacks efficiency.

Some would call that writing. Many would call that nothing. I call it thinking, how about you try that sometime? No? Well, it is an acquired skill not for being able to spell. Hmm.



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