Friday, 1 March 2013

Make sure you're wearing your cleanest underwear

I've noticed a slight hole in the push for realism in GTA IV. While trying to shoot one of only 200 pigeons in a recreation of the New York tri-state area, for which you will receive a helicopter with guns, if you stray too far on one side of the rooftop, which is at the airport, where the pigeon sits permanently pecking at non-existent grain, then you will recieve four stars and the police will throw most of their shotgun force at you plus two armed helicopters. Then Niko Bellic says "Shiblodchik" or summat.

I'm not sure if this is standard practice for the NYPD. I mean we'd hear of more cases of people being on the wrong side of a rooftop and pigeon murdering to provide helicopters. Surely the helicopter industry would be making a loss on each one. Even in the US, that amount of economic discrepancy in an industry would lead to the unions getting involved. I can't help but feel that Rockstar Games have dropped the ball very badly on this one.

Meh. That's the trouble with being real, it's impossible. Another thing to note is this is March now, so this shit I've been writing on an irregular basis has made it into a month other than February. Something of a massive achievement in my writing career-ing about. One thing you may note at the start of March is that fucking Ruth Langsford may be difficult to do. I mean, you have the great tits, the MILF-tastic body but she's married to another Northern Irish bloke. Whatever you may think of Eamonn Holmes, fucking the wife of a fellow countryman is just not cool. So that's that out of the window.

You can probably fuck Fiona Bruce still as she's married to some bloke called Nigel...I mean, by sheer virtue of your name, any name being a million times better, she'd bang you rotten. Though she wrote a book about looking sexy but avoiding male attention, so ultimately the idea is completely stuffed. Better not to think of it in the first place. Kate Silverton now, those lips...ah fuck she's banging a special forces bloke. Try asking her out and you'll be kidnapped with a black bag over your head in the middle of the night and your family will never hear from you again. Hmm, don't think it's worth it just for asking a lady if she fancies a Donald.

I've had an idea though for me; no sex until I'm 40. Sounds daft but it gets rid of a major, unnecessary distraction in life. If I'm not focusing on that then I write and get my civilian body into shape for the rest of my 30s. I like it, it has intrigue to it. And life does begin at 40, so why not restart fucking as well then? Of course I will have built it up over the proceeding six years and if it's the same as it was, having hit the sex ceiling long ago in my early 20s, then I might be majorly disappointed. Ah fuck it, worth a go. I can get my civvie body looking good again, so that could be the shit!

I see 'Dave' Cameron still wants work to make us free despite losing a by-election, there's some topical shag for you. Work is no problem, depends on the job. If all he has to offer is crap jobs then a lot of people will just top themselves. Is that your plan 'Dave'? Make the entire nation suicidal and thus ease the economy through population depletion? You heartless, genocidal scumfuck! Get knotted, 'Dave' you are clearly a bad boy.

Having said that, the job I want is Prime Minster. I will work hard at it. What's that 'Dave'? I'm willing to work hard at something and you won't let me. You fucking liar!

Just one more sex thing as it's a new month. You can hire a plane for £5,000 to join the mile high club, instead of fucking in the toilets of a jumbo with mucho surreptitiousness. Dunno tho, this is a grey overcast part of the world, more leaning to perversion than passion. Probably the airplane thing is only going to work if the pilot watches. Dogging at 30,000 feet? If I'm on a plane I want it to be flown by somebody not fucking. And can you imagine how shitty that job will be? Pilots are underpaid and overworked as it is. You'd have to fly a plane with the sound of people fucking behind you all the time. I can't see this as being a safe idea, I think a fucking re-think or a re-think over fucking is needed.

Ryan Giggs many years in football come on and my TV gets glitchy. Co-incidence? Could be a super injunction...not that he is associated with them in any way and sues anyone who suggests so...just could be a passing super injunction or a disruption in the signal, I'm no technical expert...or legal. Actually, you'd think that fucking his sister in law for 8 years would be the thing you'd take a super injunction out on.
Weird, it's like, shit I don't mind hurting my brother deeply, as the most successful family member, Mam and everybody else will support me anyway and tell him if he hadn't married her in the first place, then his brother would never have fucked her. You silly boy Rhodri, it was obvious from the outset!
But fucking a glamour model for about two months, no no, that is the type of shit which must be covered up. I'm a clever 40 year old Welsh dude still playing football.

Of course any women involved, when it is revealed in the press, then they get threatened by the devoted, fundamentalist, Man Utd supporters clubs...This is incase these revelations somehow effect Manchester United's chances in the next season of the FA Cup.
Okay, in all seriousness. Really, really do fuck off this planet you sad, moronic bastards. Affecting the chances...? Of all the pathetic, pointless, empty things to consume your life with! End of seriousness.

That's fresh and decomposing dispatches from the world of the dumb and we've made it into March that is something! See you in February 2015 then...


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