Friday, 1 March 2013

Doing it in 140 characters or less

Funny how you pose in photographs, stand stiff and put on a cheesy smile whilst in the midst of doing something horrible. Like slaughtering horses at the end of WWI. Take a picture of a horse abattoir and the guys chopping up the horses are posing and smiling at the camera. Huh?

There's that and there's the fact that many words in Ulster end in the letters 'ag'. But nobody can fucking pronounce them! Fleg, geg, beg, infinitum. This is Northern Ireland and we can't even pronounce that. Norn Iron, I ask you. So we have all these 'ag' words because? What's the fucking point. It's good it's only being flown for 15 days a year, but then again we probably only pronounce the word flag right about half that time. Actually I want that job of raising the flag; working only fifteen days a year? What a sweet fucking skive! Hoi! Stop trying to get it put back all year around you fuckers! Number one, they ain't going to listen to you if you threaten them and two, you could fuck up the sweetest, piss-easy job going.
I think you guys need to get laid more often, but please use johnnys if you do.

What happens when people who like to clean obessively meet their complete opposites? Channel 4 fills another hour in the schedule that's what! What about 16 and up, the story of the woman who can't stop punking out kids. Never mind 'how do they cope?' That's boring and who gives a shit about that story. More interesting would be: 'Why has this woman not been sectioned under the mental health act?' She's obsessed with having fucking children. People have had ECT and been stuck in rubber rooms for less. And 'Is it the same guy with her that spunked in her pussy 16 kids ago?' Man, a guy who wants 16 fucking children and wants to live with a woman who is fixated on filling the world with her spawn. Why hasn't HE been sectioned? Poor fucker, clearly needs the psychiatric care only a caring society can provide. Which is probably why he hasn't got any.

But ol' Bisson's views on kids are well known; They're a fucking pain the arsehole, they are arseholes and ruin many a good looking woman. Pussy spunking is such a pissing up the wall contest. Just leads to mooooooooore Channel 4 freaking documentaries about caterwauling watermelons and how they're filling up the planet. When the aliens come they'll ask why we're living on the Moon. We shall wail back, we can't get on the earth, it's too full of babies!

Just as an aside to a plethora of asides in this posts. I've never been a fan of non-sequiturs, I was not born as Seth McFarlane after all. But do you wanna know how to win a talent contest? More specifically a talent contest in Ryans Bar on the last Tuesday of each month? Ah, say many, that I've yet to do. Tell me more. Ok, this is what you can do if you can be arsed, it takes preparation which is why so few, me included, can be bothered;

(1) Know your judges. Recce for as many last Tuesdays as possible to find out what the three judges dig  and don't dig. A general consensus is the idea, what they all dig collectively or on average. Bear in mind the judges change occasionally so make sure you have this eventuality covered. Don't worry as they all seem to know each other and will therefore like the same sort of trends. If all else fails, announce to them how they are the greatest human beings who have ever existed, how you are not fit to kiss the dust their shoes hath touched and the MC is kind of ok too. Then hope for the best.

(2) No stand-ups mocking the disadvantaged. You will be run out of town on a rail coughing up feathers and tar residue.
 (2a) See 'O Brother Where Art Thou' for what being run out on a rail actually involves or on a sleeper in that case.

(3) Your act will be talked over in a constant drone by the audience. The conversation, given the location of Ryans in the world and the average clientele, will be about fertilizer, how much your doddy has ordered for the farm this month and how another fella's doddy has found a new brand which produces better results. Sometimes the conversation will veer into slurry and new tractors, but the overall drone will remain the same. Make sure then that your act is greater in volume than the audience. Something louder than the auctioneer at a country cattle market say, is the ideal.

(4) Do not tell long stories that involve fishing wire as part of your special effects. This is an idea which lends itself to film-making with a recreation of the event, not live performance. And the judges and audience will not be nice to you accordingly.

(5) And most important, in fact crucial. You have won over the judges, with a sweet loud song or a very funny , loud stand-up, drowned out the audience and looked very talented as a result. You got high marks and are in the final. Make sure you have brought 50,000 people with you to cheer you on after your final performance. 50,000 people cheering is enough to convince the judges you are the most popular act and will award you the prize and that's it. You just have to convince three people you have talent, then do whatever you like in the final and then your 50,000 people will cheer you to certain victory and shatter the windows, causing glass shrapnel to burst forth and injure many patrons, probably including you. But that's all you need, doesn't matter how talented you are, if you have 50,000 people to cheer for you, then you will win, no matter how shit you actually are. You can do invisible magic, flummox the judges, get in the final for sheer unusualness and then have your 50,000 sail you to victory.
Important note: If you are not a trendy, then you will have no sycophants hanging on to your every word and therefore will have to rent a crowd. In this case, tap family members who value the love of relatives more than money.

I think I can safely say that's enough wisdom imparted for the average cranium to deal with. More easily digestible chunks will be posted but that's way more than you can chew on for now. Laters!


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